I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
