I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
