I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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