Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
