woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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