I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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