So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
