Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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