i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
sarcasm needs its own font
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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