i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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