I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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