I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
