I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
