he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone