My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
