her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
