I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
