Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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