i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
