Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
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