I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
