guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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