i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
