I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
