We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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