That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
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He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
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I just want to make out with him forever
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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