capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
