I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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