Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
