I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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