I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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