i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
