Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
