He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
