but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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