I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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