he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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