If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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