I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
