I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
