Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
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Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
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Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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