Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
