Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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