i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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