dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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