im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
