She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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