I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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