Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Randomize
