The maid of honor just puked.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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