Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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