we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
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Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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