She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
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