I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
