i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
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just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
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Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My penis needs a shock collar
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.