just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
