I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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